We live in the worst of times. An unhinged authoritarian is laying waste to the rule of law, turning the Department of Justice into his criminal defense firm, raining vengeance on perceived enemies like Sonny Corleone on steroids, treating the U.S. Constitution like his personal chew toy – basically doing all the things, and more, that anyone with half a brain in 2016 knew he was destined by dint of low character to do – and what are the Democrats doing in response?

They have seized this pivotal moment by indulging their racial, generational and ideological divisions, spiraling down the bottomless rabbit hole in search of pristine perfectability that has never been attained in life and certainly not in politics.

A thumbnail guide to donkey despair:

Joe Biden can’t win because he sounds old, sometimes says weird things (“lying dog-face pony soldier”), isn’t liberal enough for the liberals, voted for a war 18 years ago (he has publicly apologized for the last 15 years, but so what), and he legislated some stuff 27 and 40 years ago that today isn’t liberal enough.

Elizabeth Warren can’t win because she’s too liberal for the moderates, not liberal enough for the socialists, plus she checked Native American on an application, she sounds too much like a professor, which some people won’t like, and she’s a woman, which some people won’t like.

Bernie Sanders can’t win because he’s too old, he refuses to release his heart attack records, he’s too socialistic for a lot of liberals and moderates, he revs up young people (who don’t vote heavily) but repels old people (who vote heavily), plus he shouts about everything and his trolls are awful.

Pete Buttigieg can’t win because he’s too young, he once worked for an elite corporate consulting firm, he’s popular with old people but invisible with black people, and some people think he’s too gay while some people think he’s not gay enough.

Mike Bloomberg may be good on global warming and gun reform, but he can’t win because stopped and frisked black people (he has apologized, but so what), he’s not liberal enough for the liberals, he has said awful things to and about women, and it’s a turn off that he has too much money.

Amy Klobuchar can’t win because she doesn’t have enough money, she’s not liberal enough for the liberals, she’s reputedly mean to staffers, she looks too much like a car pool mom, and 18 years ago as a county prosecutor in Minnesota she convicted a black teen who now it turns out could be innocent.

And so: As we enter the fourth year of our national emergency, it would appear that Trump is at least a tad worse than any of the aforementioned alternatives, but never mind! Surely there must be somebody perfect who can check every box and ace the litmus tests. Surely what we need is another John F. Kennedy, right?

Flash back to what many Democrats actually said in 1960:

Kennedy is way too young, he’s Catholic and we’ve never elected a Catholic, he’s not liberal enough for the liberals (icons Adlai Stevenson and Eleanor Roosevelt don’t like him), his Senate record is thin, he has no history with black people, and his crooked dad has too much crooked money. Kennedy can’t win!