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Early last evening, when the tinpot Mussolini teargassed peaceful protestors so that he could trudge to a church and hold up a Bible – Trump, the epitome of godliness, holding up a Bible – I decided that Stormy Daniels needed equal time.

So let us now bow our heads in prayer and recite passages from the Book of Stormy.

Stormy: Ummm (LAUGH) it started off– all about him just talking about himself. And he’s like – “Have you seen my new magazine?”

Anderson Cooper: He was showing you his own picture on the cover of a magazine.

Stormy: Right, right. And so I was like, “Does this– does this normally work for you?” And he looked very taken– taken back, like, he didn’t really understand what I was saying. Like, I was, “does, just, you know, talking about yourself normally work?” And I was like, “Someone should take that magazine and spank you with it.” (LAUGH) And I’ll never forget the look on his face. He was like–

Anderson Cooper: What– what was his look?

Stormy: Just, I don’t think anyone’s ever spoken to him like that, especially, you know, a young woman who looked like me. And I said, you know, “Give me that,” and I just remember him going, “You wouldn’t.” “Hand it over.” And– so he did, and I was like, “turn around, drop ’em.”

Anderson Cooper: You– you told Donald Trump to turn around and take off his pants.

Stormy: Yes.

Anderson Cooper: And did he?

Stormy: Yes. So he turned around and pulled his pants down a little — you know had underwear on and stuff and I just gave him a couple swats.

Anderson Cooper: This was done in a joking manner.

stormy-4.jpg

Stormy: Yes…He was like, “Wow, you– you are special. You remind me of my daughter.”

Anderson Cooper: Melania Trump had recently given birth to– to a son, just a few months before. Did that– did he mention his wife or child at all in this?

Stormy Daniels: I asked. And he brushed it aside, said, “Oh yeah, yeah, you know, don’t worry about that. We don’t even– we have separate rooms and stuff.”

Anderson Cooper: After you had sex, what happened?

Stormy: He said that it was great.

And that concludes our sermon for today. Amen.