By Chris Satullo

Lots of dumb things get said on television talk shows.

But Ron Johnson, Republican senator from Wisconsin, emitted some next-level nonsense recently on (where else?) Fox News. The pride of Oshkosh, a silver-haired emanation of the Tea Party, had this to say to Fox’s Brian Kilmeade about the COVID pandemic and Anthony Fauci:

“Fauci did the exact same thing with AIDS. He overhyped it. He created all kinds of fear, saying it could affect the entire population when it couldn’t. And…he’s using the exact same playbook with COVID, ignoring therapy, pushing a vaccine.”

A few data points, for those who still care about such quaint things:

• COVID-19 has killed at least 790,000 Americans and 5.3 million worldwide. (On the pandemic ranking of deaths by nation, we’re No. 1!)
• AIDS has killed just about the same number of Americans since 1980 and its worldwide death toll approaches 36 million.
• There is still no vaccine against AIDS. But there are therapies that turn it into a chronic, not fatal, condition for many Americans. And Anthony Fauci’s raising of the alarm about this scourge is one reason those life-saving therapies got developed.
• Fauci has not once opposed legitimate therapies for COVID. He’s just fact-checked absurd online (and presidential and congressional) claims about drugs like ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine.

This latest example of Johnsonian jibber-jabber got me pondering what the good senator might have said about other certified disasters, routs and catastrophes from history. Here are possible RonJon hot takes on…

The 79 A.D. eruption of Mount Vesuvius that obliterated Pompeii:

“A little earth burp, that’s all. I cannot fathom all the fuss. That Pliny the Younger totally overhyped it. Besides, nobody’s gonna miss that Godforsaken burg. They always voted blue there.”

The Black Death, the 14^th century outbreak of bubonic plague that killed at least 75 million:

“So, yes, we have a little rodent problem. It’s working itself out. Nothing to get your knickers in a twist about. Certainly not worth all this fleeing to the countryside like that Boccaccio dude and his snobby, sheeple friends did. Just swallow a little of this magic dust an alchemist friend of mine recommended and you’ll be fine.”

The American Civil War, which killed almost the same number of soldiers as the current domestic COVID death toll, plus another 200,000-or-so civilians, including slaves:

“A family spat. Nothing more. The kind of the thing that can happen from time to time when an overreaching socialist government tries to infringe on Americans’ sacred liberty by taking away their right to buy, sell and whip other people. Certainly nothing worth the over-the-top rhetoric that bearded fellow inflicted on us at Gettysburg…Uh, what?  You’re saying the guy in the stovepipe hat was actually a Republican? Did not know that. Let me look into that and get back to you.”

On the 1937 fiery crash of the Hindenburg airship in Manchester Township, N.J.:

“A hoax, a false flag operation. Absolutely did not happen. What you saw on the fake news?  Purely CGI and crisis actors. Just another attempt by the liberal lamestream media to smear our good friends, the Germans.”

On the 1940 Bears-Redskins NFL championship game, won by Chicago 73-0:

“A squeaker. Could have gone the other way if the Redskins hadn’t gotten screwed by the refs on a few calls. Besides, I’m pretty sure the Bears cheated. Big time. As a Packers fan, I know the Bears never win without cheating. Biggest cheaters in the world, those Bears. I have proof, conclusive proof. I have it here somewhere. Uh …oh, wait, I must have left it in the pocket of my other coat.”

On the global economic collapse of 2008: 

“Just one of those blips Wall Street has from time to time. Nothing to get your panties in a knot about. Not that you’d know it from those nervous Nellies at the S.E.C. Or that Cramer wacko on CNBC, who’s always losing his marbles on the air over something. Probably has some deal working with George Soros to score big off a bogus market drop. Look, I talked to President Bush yesterday and he assured me he has this whole thing under control. Nothing to see here.”

If you follow the utterances of Sen. Johnson for any period of time, you begin to wish fervently that impenetrable but voluble stupidity were grounds for impeachment under the U.S. Constitution.

Alas, no.

Pity the poor voters of Wisconsin, a state that once sent the admirable likes of Robert La Follette, William Proxmire and Russ Feingold to Capitol Hill to speak for them, now stuck being represented by this sad, silly specimen who regularly massacres truth on any talk show that will have him.

But, then again, this same state once inflicted Joseph McCarthy on the nation.

Must be a cyclical virus.  Or something in the water in Green Bay.

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Chris Satullo, a civic engagement consultant, is a former editorial page editor/columnist at The Philadelphia Inquirer, and a former vice president/news at WHYY public media in Philadelphia