Julia Child may have crafted great recipes, but nobody knows more about the culinary arts than our defeated Chewer-in-Chief. As Mary Poppins might say, just a spoonful of sugar helps the documents go down. In fact, I have exclusively obtained one recipe from a sure-fire best-seller like you’ve never seen before, The Top Secret Bigly Cookbook From The Desk Of The 45th President Of The United States of America of Russia. I have flushed it out, as it were. Sounds yummy!
Hand-Crafted Founding Fathers a la Mode
*Rip up printed copy of U.S. Constitution
*Tear up bound volume of U.S. Criminal Code
*Chomp Jan. 6 phone logs into bite-sized chunks
*Stuff all ingredients into mouth, gargle with gallon of Diet Coke
*Spit all wet-wad ingredients very strongly into biggest best mixing bowl ever
*Trim the fried skin off a KFC chicken, drizzle skin fragments into bowl
*Lovingly dust with chopped classified docs (top secret only)
*Thoroughly grind all ingredients; combine with 12 ounces of egg-dipped meatloaf
*Soak everything copiously in manly ketchup
*Garnish with four heaping cups of Gestapo soup
*Sprinkle with shredded Putin meeting notes
*Add hefty layer of McDonalds Quarter Pounders (dietary tip: remove the buns)
*Top off with vanilla ice cream and beautiful chocolate cake
*Let stand for 60 minutes, watch Tucker’s show
*Serve with side of pizza and voila! (a French word getting popular more and more)
*Wear bib in bed; chew meal very strongly
*Dump all leftovers in toilet
*Add paper towels and hot girl hygiene products to ensure bigly clogging
*Deny bigly clogging
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Achtung! The cookbook has no recipe for eating humble pie. That’s for losers.