Rupert Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal scored quite a scoop the other day, when a slew of Republican sources broke the news that President Biden is…old. For the sake of perspective, I hope (against hope) that the Journal will soon break the news that the president’s felonious opponent is old as well, and a babbling imbecile to boot.
We don’t need a story stacked with Democratic sources to tell us that. All everyone needs to do is listen to the convicted criminal with their own ears. I’ve taken the time to transcribe, verbatim, a chunk of the criminal’s Sunday serenade to his Las Vegas cultists. It begs not to be ignored. I need not remind you what the press coverage would be like if President Biden were to talk this way, word for word:
“So I said, let me ask you a question and he said, nobody ever asked this question and it must be because of MIT, my relationship to MIT. Very smart. He goes, I say, ‘what would happen if the boat sank from its weight and you’re in the boat and you have this tremendously powerful battery and the battery is now underwater and there’s a shark that’s approximately 10 yards over there.’ By the way, a lot of shark attacks lately, you notice that?, a lot of shark. I watched some guys justifying it today. Well, they weren’t really that angry. They bit off the young ladies’ leg because of the fact that they were, they were not hungry, but they misunderstood what, who she was. These people are cray – he said there’s no problem with sharks they just didn’t really understand a young woman swimming. Now really got decimated and other people too. A lot of shark attacks. So I said ‘so there’s a shark 10 yards away from the boat. 10 yards over here. Do I get electrocuted if the boat is sinking, water goes over the battery, the boat is sinking. Do I stay on top of the boat and get electrocuted or do I jump over by the shark and not get electrocuted’ because, I will tell you, he didn’t know the answer. He said, ‘you know, nobody’s ever asked that question.’ I said I think it’s a good question. I think there’s a lot of electric current coming through that water, but you know what I’d do if there was a shark or you get electrocuted? I’ll take electrocution every single time, I’m not getting near the shark.”
The convicted criminal, who meets via Zoom today with his probation officer, doesn’t seem to know that boats typically have batteries, and that boat batteries don’t electrocute boaters. And none of us who listened to his boat n’ battery soliloquy can figure out who he was talking to, or what his “relationship” is with MIT, or what overall point he was trying to make. If Joe Biden ever riffed that way, MAGA Republicans and many in the press would insist that he be consigned to a Memory Care facility.
But while the boat thing was incoherent, other remarks at his Sunday rally were transparently clear – and nakedly revealing. His anti-Semitism, for instance; he claimed that his well-known denunciation of dead American soldiers as “suckers” and “losers” was a fake story concocted by “a radical left lunatic” named “Goldberg.” (In truth, the guy who outed him was retired Gen. John Kelly, his own chief of staff.)
Also yesterday, the criminal referenced the 115-degree weather this way: “Do you feel the breeze? I don’t want anybody ‘going’ on me. We need every voter. I don’t care about you. I just want your vote. I don’t care.” (Imagine the national reaction if President Biden ever told an audience, “I don’t care about you.”)
To fully appreciate the asymmetric choice in this election, I’ll yield the floor to humorist David Sedaris:
“I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. ‘Can I interest you in the chicken?’ she asks. ‘Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?’
“To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.”
He nailed it with the broken-glass punch line – and then he topped it. That’s genius.